I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I touched a dick in church today
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
