You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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