Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
