Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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