i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
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College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
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What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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