4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
