shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
