i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
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We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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