im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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