My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
