at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
