Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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