He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
