you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
