Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
