One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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