I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
