apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
