he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
