I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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