Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
