So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
