the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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