there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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