Umm I'm too high to move.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
