Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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