I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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