I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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