im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There's always time for handjobs
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
