I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
