You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
