Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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