Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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