YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
