Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
