Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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