U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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