Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My dick has a subreddit
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
