I wish my penis had an off switch
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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