I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
