I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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