i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
