2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
