i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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