Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
