Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
