My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
