I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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