i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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