Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
