So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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