I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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