I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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