9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
