cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
