Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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