the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
