oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
