Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
