So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
